Screen Time

To preface: I feel like this post might be a little different from some of my other posts on this page, yet personally I don’t really care, and who knows maybe this post might end up helping someone. So, without any further ado…

I’m writing this at 5:08am. It’s early for me. And to be quite honest with you, I wish that I was asleep right now. Yet, instead, I’m awake. And why am I awake? Well, I’m awake because I woke up to something that really terrified me. And that something was an open computer screen ominously greeting me. (see image on the right for visual representation.)

Now I know what you’re thinking. That’s it? That’s what’s preventing you from going back to sleep? Well, quite frankly, yes. That’s it. Yet, as random as this might seem, I believe that this image points to something deeper happening. Specifically, I think that this event points to a deeper issue in my ability to feel satisfied.

To be transparent with you, I am a person who has struggled to shut screens off at night. Due to applications like Twitch, YouTube, Netflix, and Hulu, I find it hard to unplug and simply lay my head down and sleep.

Instead, what’s resulted is the zombie-like tendency of scrolling for whatever might bring me pleasure at night. Maybe it’s a video of people playing a video game I like, or maybe it’s a series about Ants or Uncle Ben at the Urban Rescue Ranch.

Regardless, after finishing one video, I mindlessly begin to search for another; and then after finishing that video, the cycle continues. Next, thing you know, at 1:00 in the morning the videos are still on; and instead of watching, I somehow end up falling asleep.

Now I think this next part is important.

Did I ever desire falling asleep while watching those videos? Personally, I didn’t have that desire.

In fact, maybe I’d go as far to say that I don’t think I’ve ever woke up in the morning and thought to myself, wow I really want to fall asleep in front of my computer screen tonight, yet somehow, my desire to go to bed conflicted with my actions.

“I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” (Romans 7:19 MSG)

My desires and my actions were misaligned.

In my head, I thought this: I’d watch a video or two, then shortly after, shut the screens down and sleep. However, what actually happened was this: I watched way too many videos to count, ended up falling asleep, then later woke up with the manifestation of how I failed to shut things down, i.e. a black computer screen staring at me.

Therefore, this failure to shut the screens down points to something major happening within my internal processing. My seeming “need” for more videos took priority over my desire to sleep; and I believe that the root of that shift was satisfaction.

To be quite honest with you, I’ve struggled a lot with that concept. Whether feeling unsatisfied with my appearance (physically and racially), or feeling unsatisfied with my circumstances (financially and materially), I feel like time and time again the Lord has been challenging me with that question…

What makes you satisfied?

For me, the answer to that question was a ton of things. Be it through a video, or a person, or a gift, or recognition, all of these things make me feel great, temporarily. However, when it comes to permanently, many those things aren’t fixed. Hence, I wondered if there was something that could keep me completely satisfied. If there was a satisfaction that wasn’t temporary. And little did I know, I already knew where to find it.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

The solution to dissatisfaction can be found through God’s utter contentment in me.

In other words, despite my slip ups, in God I can be satisified. Why? Because he’s not looking for perfection, but he’s looking for genuine, broken, everyday people like you and me. Thus, all that God is asking for is for us to delight in his satisfaction; and when you sit down and think about it, his greatest satisfaction is simply us being us. Imperfect, flawed, yet beautifully created in his image. Therefore, this is what brings God complete satisfaction; and if God can be satisfied in us, then what’s preventing us from being satisfied with ourselves too?

Hence, after being reminded of this concept, I can’t believe how crazy it is for me to repeatedly seek out other sources of satisfaction in hopes of finding complete fulfillment.

Essentially, by seeking out other sources of satisfaction, I think I more or less am telling myself that God isn’t Jireh, and that God can’t provide for me. In other words, by needing to watch a video before bed, I convince my brain into thinking that the video is capable of providing, when God fails to meet the need.

Now let me be clear, am I making the argument that services like YouTube, Twitch, and Netflix, have no ability to bring joy to people in need. No. Personally, I believe that all of those platforms are working perfectly as designed and do a very good job by providing people with joy, laughter, information, and community.

Instead, what I am trying to convey is that when those alternative sources of satisfaction take higher priority over the main source of satisfaction, a problem emerges as people begin to get ensnared in the temporary fulfillment, rather than the fixed and complete fulfillment that can be found in God. So again, when we delight in God’s greatest satisfaction, our imperfect selves in need of a savior, we’re able to experience full and genuine satisfaction that translates into other parts of our lives.

So now, what’s next? Does that mean that we can never feel unsatisfied again? Well, again I think that the answer to that question is no.

As mentioned before, God isn’t looking for perfection within our walks as Jesus followers. Instead, God knows that we’re imperfect, and he reminds us that his grace is sufficient, and his power is made perfect in weakness. Thus, when we humbly accept this position as broken individuals in need of Jesus Christ our savior, God is deeply and utterly satisfied; thus proving that doubt and insecurity are normal feelings, and that our sanctification is an everyday process.

Likewise, even when it comes to stumbling, God also proves how he expects us to experience hardship at times. For example, let’s look at this scripture…

“I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.” (Romans 7:24-25 MSG)

Thus, what we see through this scripture is God’s ability to move in spite of our hiccups. Essentially, God is so deeply and utterly satisfied with us, that he sent his one and only son to die for us while we still were sinners. Like that is one crazy level of satisfaction. Like think about it. God looked out on a broken world and made a decision to say yes, all those people are worth it; so worth it in fact, that I’ll die for them.

Thus, that’s how God views us, he’s content with us being us, and if a divine God in heaven sees me like that, what’s stopping me from seeing myself in the same way.

So, as I wrap this up, I write to remind myself that I can be satisfied because the Lord is deeply and utterly satisfied with me. When feeling trapped or in need of something, I can look back to scripture and rejoice in the Lord being everything I need. So, I thank the Holy Spirit for somehow using my struggle as a force to write something that maybe could help somebody. And at the end of the day, if nobody takes anything away from this, at least I can look back and be reminded of how God sees me.